I hurt, therefore I am

I hurt therefore I am; one can tell that Descartes was not in too much pain as he was doing his thinking. Pain defines you, then consumes you till all that is left is a husk. Try walking out on pain and the ground itself is sown with barbs; try throwing yourself through the barrier and you rebound into an altered space, a world of pain where previous concerns vanish beneath a symphony of agony as each cell screams. Is this waterboarding at a cellular level? I practice the silent scream, I may look the same on the outside but inside I'm screaming;I give way to the pressure and allow the pain to scream for me and through me, it doesn't hurt any the less but it relieves the tension of keeping it in, without alarming the neighbours. I try not to use painkillers, mostly they don't work and if they do then I fall asleep, I spend too much time sleeping it's the only time I don't feel pain. In the beginning, when I first got ill I didn't feel much pain but it grew till I was never without it, 24/7, every second and it would follow me into sleep and lead me back out. There came a time when I awoke and lay still I would be pain free; a golden world of ease and peace till I stirred and awoke the Demon within me for that is how it feels, goaded constantly by my hellish companion. There were times when I felt I was losing my mind for how can consciousness coexist with the constant jarring of pain, of needles in the joints, of crushing aches in the muscle. Mostly I practice distraction and boost endorphins; coffee gets me moving, exercise dulls the pain but when the coffee has done all it can and I have to rest so the pain floods in.....and inside I'm screaming. ( thanks Maxijazz).